The Department of Parareality Course Listings were accreted
over the course of six years at Washington University in St. Louis,
and was handed down as successive classes graduated. It is, by
parts, funny, silly, and obscure--and very much the product of
undergraduates. You have been warned.
These course listings are copyrighted; you may make and distribute
as many electronic copies as you wish as long as you keep the
text entire and the copyright notice intact. You may also make
one (1) hard-copy of the text for your personal use; with the
sole exception that if you know any of the faculty, especially
the emeritus, please give them a copy--we've lost track of everybody,
and they might like to see it.
- the Editors
The Department of Parareality
Courses Offered 1990-91
It has recently been discovered that the standard form of reality
is boring and depressing, and rarely of any use to anyone except
business majors. The Department of Parareality offers a program
designed to expose students to the various alternative forms of
reality, for purposes of scholarly research, economic advancement,
faith, hope, and charity.
Majors are required to choose a concentration in one of four
sub-divisions: Literary, Theoretical, Applied, or Other. All majors
must take 102, 363, and 9.41
units of lower-level classes outside their concentration. Honors
requires a thesis on a topic which the applicant
can convince the chairman that someone else has approved; this
thesis carries 1-6 hours of credit which, due to a computer error,
will count toward whatever is listed as your second major, but
not toward graduation.
- Required courses for the Literary Major: any 2 of
100, 105, or
120; 244; and any 5 of
301, 329, 357,
495, or 510.
The lower-level literary courses are 100,
105, 120, 130,
215, 235, 236,
237, 244, and 299.5.
- Required courses for the Theoretical Major: 152; 341; 381; any
2 of 315, 316, 415, or 416; and any 3 of 329, 342, 360, 370, 410,
432, 434, 437, 484/485, 493, 500, 501, 502, 541, 602, or 864.
The lower-level theoretical courses are 110,
111, 112, 152,
190, 217-8, 219,
238, and 284.
- Required courses for the Applied Major: 101;
141; any other 2 lower-level Applied courses;
864; and any 5 of 302,
342, 350, 365,
411, 456, 485,
545, 565, or 7865.
NB: 456 is strongly recommended for all Applied Majors. The lower-level
applied courses are 101, 104,
107, 114, 131,
134, 171, 210,
211, 231, 241,
251, 271, and 291.
- The Other Major: We think we've covered everything of interest
with the above programs. If you think we're wrong, and can find
8 upper-division courses along a common theme-say, parahistory--that
convinces the department chair, we'll tell the administration
Chairman of the Department:
Larry N. Hammer (Compton School of Relativity)
Janni Lee Simner (Massachusetts State Home for the Terminally
- Steven Adams (North Dakota School of Reprobacy)
- Philip Earl Barron, Strom Thurmond Professor (Westgate Conservatory)
- Bard Bloom, Richard M. Nixon Professor (Lee Conservatory)
- Michael P. A. Bryant (College of William & Mary & Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice)
- Paul Burchard (Institute of Mathematical Vegetarianism for the Big and Tall)
- Bruce M. Ching (Khun Lun Seminary)
- Michael Cadwalader (Bobby Knight Academy of Investment Behavior)
- Leon M. Clark (Philip Earl Barron School of Pinball)
- Eric J. Derbes (West Point)
- Susan M. Germain (Belleville Academic Asylum)
- Harold L. Graber (Philip Earl Barron School of Pinball)
- Dwiggit Hughes (Forest City Academy of Perceptual Torment)
- Craig A. Jennings (Defender Academy of Missouri)
- Michael E. Langridge (Pope Pius X School of Baptist Theology)
- Ann E. Lewkowicz (Antioch School of Social Criticism and Paralogical Precocity)
- Shawn E. McNulty, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh Professor (Abraham Maslow Institute for Mystic Enlightenment and Metaphysical Oneness)
- Marco Martinez (Somewhere-Near-Chicago Monastery)
- Dennis Matl (Architects Anonymous Asylum, Extension Division)
- Kelly A. Murphy (Oxford School of Parareality, Arkansas branch campus)
- Susan E. Orton (Oxford School of Parareality)
- Charles E. Petit (Scott AFB School of Medicine)
- Joanmarie Russ (Lake Erie Institute for the Terminally)
- Julie L. Saterbak (FUBAR College of Library Science)
- Michael A. Seager (Missouri School of Mellow)
- John Snee-DeThing (Lee Conservatory)
- Carmen Votaw (Stubby Fingers Institute)
- Cranston G. Vincent-Nagel (Kingsbury Academy of Dance, Debauchery, and Classical Languages)
- James Walsh (Johns Hopkins)
- Greg Delos (St. Vincent and the Grenadenes Academy)
- Daniel Tod Fleischer (Leopold & Loeb School of Medicine)
- Elisabeth A. Foley (Yerblund Institute of Macademia)
- Liesl Heeter (Lounge Rat Conservatory)
- Paul Ho (Washington School of Engineering and Medicine)
- Ian K. Kinman (Liberty Baptist College)
- Jason Malkoff (Hobbiton College, the Shire)
- Ya-Ching Lin (Lee Conservatory)
- Marcia Metzger (Helen P. Leach Memorial Insane Asylum and Gift Shop)
- B. J. Orton (Marshall-Wythe Institute for the Kneady, School of Baking and Massage)
- Bryan T. Paschke (Thor Institute of Invulnerabilty)
- Thomas Payerle, Samgar Gantuan Professor (SPORUM Conservatory)
- Thomas Serfass (Maine Pharmaceutical Conservatory)
- Seth Spaulding (Yeshiva University, it's rumored)
- Stephanie Strauss (Moscow State)
- Debbie Wellborn (Bobby Knight Solitaire Academy)
Courses Now Offered:
000 Applied Catatonia
- An unidentified person who never does anything
100C Introduction to Comics
A survey of the basic artistic literature of parareality.
Selections will be drawn from a basic group of Marvel and DC superheroes,
to provide an elementary understanding. There will be three in-semester
exams, at which attendance is required, given at 2-4 a.m. various
- P. Barron, MWF 10-11 p.m.
- J. Walsh, TTh 11 p.m.-12:30 a.m.
101 World Domination
This course will teach the basic methods of world domination creation
or adoption of a deterministic quasi moral philosophy, generalized
ignoring of human rights, military power, and other classical
devices; if time permits, there will be a discussion of such modern
methods as secret police, mind control, addiction of the subjugated
people to an unholy drug, and similar tricks. The course will
conclude with a survey of the methods of preventing and escaping
coups d'etat, and even initiating one's own to bolster a flagging
government. Students must supply their own worlds; the bookstore
will not carry them.
- Staff TBA
102 Data Warping
This course will teach the manipulation of general numeric data,
with special emphasis on data from the hard sciences. The methods
will include Data Trimming (deletion of unwanted data values);
Data Smoothing; Normal- and Poisson-valued data generation; Hypothesis
Proving including Z, Student's T, Full Professor's C-, Poisson,
and General Adjustable Model tests; and use of thought experiments,
fast-talk, and small-angle approximations. Required for all majors.
Credit 3 units.
- Three Pre-meds
103E Admiration of Rodents
This class will teach the basic methods of admiring, worshipping,
and adoring rodents. The class will cover the basic rodents (rats,
mice, chipmunks, and lions) in the first three weeks, and then
will progress to the more exotic and unusual- bandicoots and wombats
predominating. (NB: The Department does not approve of this course,
will not give credit for it, and will shun anyone who takes it.)
- B. "The Infinitely Wide Guru" Bloom
104A Termination of Rodents
This class will teach the basic methods of terminating rodent
lives and otherwise creaming the nasty little buggers. Techniques
to be reviewed include: autoclaving; microwaving; emulsification;
correct use of the guillotine (not recommended- slow and dull);
crushing the head with a vise; drawing the rodent through a wringer
tail-first; dissolution in molten fat; the Benihana method (which
involves piercing the rodent with a skewer and roasting it live
over a hibachi); and the ever-popular placing the rodent inside
an automobile tire (preferably followed by a short road trip to
the Yukon). Prerequisite: utensils and napkin. Credit 3 units.
- D. Fleischer, MF 4:30-6:30 p.m. Lines C & D, Wohl Cafeteria
105G Introduction to Electronic Games
This class provides a brief survey of electronic games, including
history of "quarter-dollars" pre-1975, basic hand-eye
coordination, and contrast/comparison with hand-held or home video
games. Lab sections to meet in various suitable locations. Two
quizzes over general rules, practicum midterm. Final grade based
on performance. Credit 4 hours; $475.25 lab fee.
- P. Barron, MTTh F 10-11 a.m. Final Edition, Delmar
- H. Graber, TTh 7-9 p.m. Wohl Gameroom
- C. G. Vincent-Nagel, MTThF 10:30-11:30 a.m. Mallinckrodt Center
- L. M. Clark, F 9 p.m.-1 a.m. Blueberry Hill (prerequisite:
senior standing or consent of the management)
107 Improved Insidiousness
This class teaches Evil--stark, unrelieved evil as it is rarely
found outside comic books, and is never believable. It includes
methods of personality warping, ego manipulation (of self and
others), sadism, murder (subtle, direct, bloody, and most foul),
and terrorism. Also included is an excellent treatment of how
to attain a mental and psychological state in which such methods
would become pleasurable. Class work will include two written
exams, and a research paper of 15-20 pages length.
- M. "The Watcher" Martinez
- K. "The Great" Forest
- J. "One of the Old RA's" Goldman
110 Typing I
This course will cover the basics of typing, including touch-typing
and proofreading. Shorthand and dictation are also covered. (Note:
this is an entirely theoretical course.)
- J. "John Snead" Snee-DeThing
111 Typing II
This course will take up where 110 left off, including methods
of getting money to pay the typist, with extras for typists who
know shorthand or are willing to take dictation. We will cover
the standard price ranges and methods of lowering prices (e.g.,
hiring friends). The barter system in all its manifestations will
also be covered.
- J. "Still John Snead" Snee-DeThing
112E Introduction to Stimulants
A nontechnical tasting course, geared to developing perception
of style and structure. Stylistic studies include the stimulants
of the 19th and 20th centuries, including perceptual analysis
of liquid stimulants (coffee, tea, cola--not New Coke--, etc.,
with a required short paper (1-2 pages) on Mountain Dew) and of
procedures of ingesting solid forms (No-Doz, Vivarin, dry instant
coffee, tea leaves, Morning Thunder). Introduction to long-term
and intensive use. Examinations are given at unexpected times
with at least one in the last week of classes or reading week.
The exams will last from 24 to 48 hours, depending on circumstances.
Classtime: 20 hours a day, 6 days a week (attendance of other
classes is permitted during classtime, though not especially encouraged).
Credit 6 units. Vaguely identical with Music 102E.
- T. Serfass, all the time
- D. Hughes, every waking moment
114 How to be Powerful
This course covers the basic methods of gaining power: lying,
cheating, stealing, violence, good cooking, typewriter repair,
dental hygiene, kidnapping, writing of epic poetry, feigning illness,
creative nap-taking, food sculpture, and mass murder. A series
of case studies will give the student practice in determining
which one(s) of these methods is most appropriate to a given set
- K. "Stop that!" Murphy
- H. "Black bolt" Graberrr
120A Introduction to Dungeons & Dragons
This course is a lab-and-discussion introduction to role-playing
games. The class will go through the module "Descent into
the Unknown." This course does not count toward the literary
concentration of the major.
- S. Orton, M 11-12 p.m. (discussion) Sa 1-5 p.m. (lab)
121 Procrastination: Reasons, Methods, Justification and Encouragement
This course may be repeated infinitely many times, but no credit
will ever be given. It can and will be taken concurrently with
most other courses, here and elsewhere.
- A. "No deadline is ever permanent" Lewkowicz, J.
"Maybe I'll clean my room" Simner, and B. "I'll get
to it, presently" Paschke, MWF 8-9 a.m., we promise.
130F Nuclear War
An intensive laboratory course in the methodology of successfully
conducting nuclear war. Use and management of delivery systems,
warheads, spies, saboteurs, anti-missile systems, propaganda,
and other weapons are considered, especially the dread Super Quartet
(Super Germ, Super Virus, Super Serum, Super Sperm). Ethical questions
will be briefly considered, then dismissed. Prerequisite: dice
that glow in the dark. Credit 15 units.
- D. Fleischer, M 1-1:15 p.m.
- D. Fleischer, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- M. Seager, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- I. Kinman, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- M. Cadwalader, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- M. Bryant, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- J. Russ, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- S. Spaulding, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- E. Derbes, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- E. James, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- S. McNulty, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- D. Matl, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
- M. Martin, Spring Break, Everglades
131F Sex and Values: How to Get the Most for Your Money
This class will teach all about sex and values, including the
impact of feminism on modern prostitution, the effects of the
recent upsurge in sexual freedom on the world of pornography (with
an interdisciplinary tidbit for economists on supply and demand),
and other titillating and sexy things. Identical to Phil 131F,
according to the instructor's public relations agent.
- T. "Me Again" Serfass
134 Work and Power
The fundamental problem of the world is unemployment--nukes are
just a joke. Why are so many people unemployed? They don't have
Ultimate Power, and can't command a major business to give them
a job. This course will teach you how to use Ultimate Power to
become gainfully employed within sixteen years. Prerequisite:
- J. "Still John Snead, really" Snee-DeThing
141 Success Without Exams
A development of numerous techniques for surviving and succeeding
in this modern world without submitting to its rigorous and often
harmful examination system. Students will learn the skills they
need that will let them avoid with impunity most of the tests
they will face in their lifetime. Two in class exams plus final
examination; attendance at exams is forbidden. Credit 3 units.
- T. "Big Sam" Payerle, TTh 12:30-2:00 p.m.
142 Toolbox Theory
The theory and practice of putting together a fishing-tackle box
that will let you repair anything with just the contents of your
backpack. Topics include: correct tool use, the truly necessary
tools, efficient space filling, do-it-yourself electronics repair,
and the importance of Walkmen. Credit 2 units.
- P. "Would you mind terribly if I fixed that seat?" Ho
152 Introduction to Daytime
This course will introduce the innocent nocturnal student to the
pleasures and perils of diurnal living. This course will meet
at different times each week, starting at 2:00 a.m. and getting
one hour earlier each week, finally returning to 2:00 a.m. after
twenty-four silly and horrible weeks. This course will teach psychological
tactics for surviving and eventually even appreciating the various
aspects and joys of the morning, afternoon, and evening. Credit
- Daytime instructor: P. "Sunshine Kid" Burchard
- Nighttime instructor: D. "Nocturnal Nuke" Hughes
161ABCDEFGQPiZ Distribution Requirement Seminar
Students will sit around late at night, drinking tea, swapping
stories, and receiving a distribution requirement previously determined
in consultation with the instructors. Faculty members will be
in the next room, watching Dr. Who. Prerequisite: A notarized
agreement not to breath a word about this course outside of the
department. Credit variable, dependent on needs for graduation.
- Staff, Su 10-11:30 p.m.
The best defense is a good offense. This course will teach the
methods of trashing the room of an enemy. Basic techniques of
carding doors, flaming Lysol, baby powder, pennying doors, moving
furniture, stealing stuffed animals and other hostages, and Dixie-cupping
will be covered. Final project: trash the room of someone other
than your professor.
- B. "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do
isn't very nice" Ching, To be taught when you least expect
181E 1-D Design
A course for those who think they have no artistic ability but
really have been working in the wrong dimension. Points, lines,
and how to connect the two.
- J. "Close Enough" Simner, TBA
190 Recognition of Ultimate Evil
Lima beans. Wham! records. New Coke. Cheese Whiz. You know they're
bad, but this course teaches you to recognize these as mere manifestations
of Ultimate Evil. Learn how to face it, how to avoid it-no matter
how it may stalk you. Learn the Secrets of the Economists, so
that you may instantly forget them. Learn how to recognize Dean
of Students so that you may instantly vaporize him. Learn several
other irrelevant things. But through these misadventures, you
gain an understanding of Ultimate Evil and its power source, busy
work (contact any Engineering professor for complete details on
busy work). Of course, you're powerless against these forces,
so the course is for naught, but it'll satisfy your curiosity.
Prerequisite: Para 107.
- M. Cadwalader
How to stretch. Anything. Knees a must. Credit variable.
- D. Fleischer, Barnes Hospital
- I. Kinman, Barnes Hospital
210 Sex and Power
This will cover the basic interrelations of sex and power. Methods
of conversion of lust to useful electricity and heat are covered,
with the standard methods of interconversion explained in a way
adapted to easy home use. Prerequisite: Para 131F.
Credit 3 units
- "The Great" Staff
211 Celibacy and Power
This course will cover the methods of gaining power while remaining
celibate, even under the most unlikely of circumstances. Readings
will include various Hindu, Christian, and Hare Krishna ascetics,
and Jerry Falwell; readings for exercises will include Penthouse,
Oui, and similar journals. Several field trips to bordellos will
- An unnamed and invisible "Downtrodden Scum" instructor
215G Intermediate and Advanced Video Gaming
Section 1: Space Games. Will include intensive theory and training
in such games as Galaxians, Galaga, Asteroids, and Radar Scope.
Final grade dependent upon gaining the extra ship. Credit 7 units.
Section 2: Maze Games and Adaptations. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Scramble,
and Amidar will be the focus. This course will be team-taught.
Attention will be paid to adaptations such as Ms. Pac-Man, Donkey
Kong Jr., Super Cobra, and home video versions. Credit 7 units,
grade dependent as above.
- H. Graber, MF 10:30 p.m.-12 a.m.
- S. Adams, C.G. Vincent-Nagel, L.M. Clark, MF 6:30-10 p.m.
217-218 Introduction to Quantum Physics
Same as Phys 217-218.
219Q Geography of Central America
The professor, who gained his vast knowledge of Nicaraguan and
El Salvadoran topography while falling through the air, dressed
in fatigues and with a parachute strapped to his back, will lecture
upon his findings and his insights. You, the student, will dutifully
sit, listen, and take notes. Credit 1 unit. Dismissed! Not open
to members of SAC (Social Action Collective, not the Strategic
Air Command) or 4-F's.
- E. Derbes, (meeting time and place classified)
221 Guts and Power
In dis course ya gotta have guts.
- V. "Guts" Selby
231 Cooking and Power
How to use cooking skills to gain utter and absolute dominion
over a region as small as a dormitory floor-or even as large as
a continent. Great culinary leaders of all time, from Genghis
Khan to Jimmy Carter, will be considered; Cordon Bleu dishes will
be prepared and forced on unsuspecting victims; and buffet luncheons
will be given to subvert unsuspecting leaders. This course is
extremely dangerous--if the current (non-gourmet) world dictators
discover it, all participants will be sentenced to eat at McDonald's.
Prerequisite: Para 114.
- K. "Best Cook '82-'83" Narveson
234 Topics in Home Economics I: Cooking with Children
Boiling, baking, roasting, frying, toasting, and the ever-popular
puree. Course texts include "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan
Swift and "Hansel and Gretel" by the Brothers Grimm.
Weekly labs in the Bear's Den Cafeteria. Credit 3 units.
- B. "Fingers" Orton, TTh 4:30-6 p.m.
235C Introduction to Super Teams
236C Introduction to Science Fiction
237C Introduction to Fantasy
These three courses will be taught more or less simultaneously,
in a haphazard team-teaching fashion, by any members of the faculty
that may or may not feel themselves competent to do so. Content
variable, -4 to -1 units.
- Staff, God only knows when
238 The Essence of Shaving
The joys of shaving, as taught by the masters. Manual and electric
methods are included, and emphasis is put on the importance of
constant practice in developing shaving skills. The final quarter
will cover emergency methods of shaving (e.g., sharp rocks, machetes,
standing in a strong wind, dermabrasion). Must be taken pass/fail.
Credit 1 unit. May be substituted for Para 237C.
- D. Brock
- M. Bryant
- B. Paschke
241 Thint and Power
In this class athint for power, kchoychoy, and pleeshka.
Loor, tist, and cospital will be discussed; anagram for dear life;
and resume after two or three days. Recovery from catatonia. For
beginners, thint athint thint thint or consent of the instructor
is required. We will swivel prothkich, ragar, and limlip. That's
- C. "Abstractionist" Votaw
244A Fantasy Gaming
A brief survey of such staples as D&D, AD&D, TFT, and
EPT, followed by an in-depth Adventurer campaign. Final project
determines grade: typical projects include clearing of baronies,
quests for artifacts, and gaining immortality. Concurrent enrollment
in Para 236C or 237C or consent of the instructor required.
- Ceoles the Couatl, Su 1 p.m.-?
250 Overcoming Math Anxiety
A novel approach to a perennial problem. People are anxious about
mathematics that they have seen before. This class will present
material that its students are totally unfamiliar with, and hence
haven't become imprinted with fear thereof (yet). This class will
cover the basics of mathematics in a manner which even the most
inexperienced of students will immediately understand. Topics
this semester: Aronszajn, Kurepa, and Souslin trees; independence
of the axioms of set theory (with forcing); Galois theory; measurable,
inaccessible, and Mahlo cardinals; ZF theory; and algebraic and
transcendental extensions. Credit 4 units. Does not count toward
- B. "The Mathanthrope" Bloom, F 10 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
251 Math Anxiety and Power
This course will try a novel approach to using the Math Anxiety
that we find all around us to give potentially unlimited power.
Math Anxiety, according to the great Gurus of Madagascar, is the
ultimate universal force; the world exists only to promote Math
Anxiety. There are two fundamental ways to use this great cosmic
force: the Path of Learning (artha), and the Path of Peace (moksha).
The Path of Learning allows the adept to threaten the basic structure
of the universe by soothing its fears about mathematics until
the Powers of the Universe tremble. The Path of Peace, on the
other hand, will allow the student to remain pure and innocent
of mathematics, and (s)he will thereby eventually attain Nirvana.
Prerequisites: Aronszajn, Kurepa, and Souslin trees; set theory
through forcing; Galois theory; theory of cardinals; ZF theory;
and algebraic and transcendental extensions.
- B. "Dr. Strange" Bloom, F 10 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
262 Art for Physicists
This class will teach physics majors how to appreciate the finer
structures of life without ever invoking the fine structure constant.
The student will learn appreciation for the Pre-Raphaelites, how
not to over-analyze techniques, what not to worry about when viewing
a sculpture, and how to get in touch with the Cosmic Om without
using a calculator.
271 Stimulants and Power
This class covers the basics of how to take stimulants and thereby
obtain great power. Topics include: caffeine/dominance interactions,
pushers and shovers, and the use of speed to double the clock
speed of a microprocessor. Prerequisite: Para 112.
- D. "Dwiggit" Hughes
- T. "Vitamin C+" Serfass
284D Grammar For Time Travel
A basic introduction to the tenses of non-linear time. How to
explain events of your past but somebody else's future. How to
ask about events in your future but somebody else's past. How
to describe an event that would have been in your past if you
hadn't time-jumped forward two days in order to avoid it. How
to explain why you are going back to the past with the intention
of becoming your own father or mother. The construction and use
of all tenses through the Future Semiconditionally Modified Pluperfect
Subjunctive will have been covered. Prerequisite:
Para 437 or equivalent, credit 3 units.
- L. "Hideous, Unspeakable Languages" Heeter, willan-on-be announced
- J. "Non-linear Temporal Forum" Simner, Su 10-11:30 p.m.
291D The Power of Positive Drinking
Learn how to get everyone around you drunk. Then you will be able
to tell them to do anything you want, and (if you're persuasive
enough) get them to do it. The standard methods of persuasion
of drunks, especially including offering them more drinks, will
be covered. We will also consider the famous case studies, such
as the people who traded for furs with the Indians.
Tang experience required.
Prerequisite: Para 114
- T. "Chemical Love and Pollination" Serfass
- S. "Furry Person" Orton
299.5 Solitaire-an Interdisciplinary Approach
A course to be taught by 13 professors from nine different levels
of exhaustion. Topics include: aggression, procrastination techniques,
and creative cheating, with an emphasis on two, three, and ten
player variations. This class will take place during the last
three weeks of the semester, and should not be taken concurrently
with any course requiring a passing grade.
- Lin (course master), Simner, Ebert, Fisher, Heeter, Strauss,
Wellborn, Hammer, Banchik, Spaulding, Carvello, McNulty, Holmquist,
301E Comics and Civilization
A historical survey of imagery and plots in the Western World,
from the Stone Age to the present day, with emphasis upon the
relation of comics to the persistent difficulties men face in
their efforts to become civilized and hastening the inevitable
decay into barbarism, bad grammar, and moral degeneration. Prerequisite:
- L. M. Clark, MF 11 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
- S. Adams, TTh 2:30-4 p.m.
302 The Art of the Practical Joke
This class will teach the interested student how to appreciate
practical jokes played upon him. He will learn the subtle and
amazing esthetics of the experiences of having the contents of
his room placed in the lounge for all to see, of having his blinds
left open at a most inopportune time by his (displaced-for-the-night)
roommate, of being stripped naked and painted yellow in the Quad,
and of trying to pay tuition. The class will then proceed to the
pranks of the masters (specifically, the Masters of Evil), which
cannot be named or described to the uninitiated. The class will
conclude with a Laurel and Hardy filmfest (the students will be
locked into the movie theater, which will be gradually flooded
with whipped cream during the course of the show). Prerequisite:
Para 171. Credit 3 units.
- P. "Extremely Practical" Burchard
- G. "Prell Hotline" Delos
315A Topics in Parabiology I: Laundry
An extensive course on this peculiar life form. Topics will include
life-cycle development; spontaneous generation; methods of eradication
(with a complete study of detergents); ecological adaptation to
the harshest of environments (field trip optional, required for
4-credit class); predator-prey graphs; dissection of the tentacled
varieties; cellular and molecular structure or the equivalent;
and history. Credit 3-4 units.
- J. Snee-DeThing, TBA
316A Topics in Parabiology II: Stuffed Animals
The history of these lovable creatures, from voodoo dolls to the
present (with absolutely NO emphasis on either Barney or My Little
Pony) will be discussed in as much detail as the instructor can
be bribed into giving. Special topics to be covered whether time
permits or not include: huggability, teddy bears vs. others, and
the importance of stuffed animals to the college student (comfort,
defense, etc.). Prerequisite: 12 years of childhood. Credit 3
- J. "Great Swimmer of the Universal Oceans" Simner, TTh just before bedtime.
329 Magic, Math, and Ritual
An intensive study of the interaction of fantasy, SF, and gaming
on one talon, and higher mathematics on the other. Topics include
comparative magic systems, character generation, probability and
probability alteration, effective trap construction, and axiomatic
set theory through forcing. Identical with Anthro 329 (perhaps)
and Math 329 (very doubtful indeed).
- B. Bloom, TTh 12:30-2 p.m.
341 Introduction to Classical Reality
This course is a safety device, teaching students of parareality
how to understand and how to act in the (admittedly boring and
mundane) classical or standard reality; it is especially useful
for students intending to spend time there. Topics include the
canonical use of language, including the ways the denizens of
classical reality keep the meanings of words fixed; the myriad
subtleties of University grading and housing systems; how to eat
in polite and marginally-polite society, including methods for
getting a parabalanced diet including all of the oddball required
vitamins while living in classical reality; and the conversion
of currency between the various universes. Recommended for all
majors. Prerequisite: Para 152. Credit 3 units.
- C. Votaw, MWF 8-9 a.m.
342 Creative and Applied Dyslexia
Have you ever wondered how some people can have so much fun while
reading the most boring and worthless items of literary and authorial
activity? The answer is simple and obvious-even to the uneducated
and simple-minded. They are demonstrating the great and noble
ancient Korean art of Creative and Applied Dyslexia! You, too,
can learn this, the supreme art. The first half of the class informs
the innocent and mild student how to misread a variety of common
English words and phrases. The second third of the class teaches
the now wily and materialistic student the many methods of Aliterary
Dyslexia, the application of the first part of the course to non-written
situations, such as everyday conversation and speech. The third
sixth of the course initiates the student, by this time a creative
genius every bit the equal of Alexander the Great, into the Gift
of Tongues, allowing him to understand every written or spoken
language. The methods of this course reveal the true meaning of
the hymn "Ein Feiste Burge ist meine Gott" to be "My
goat is a rambunctious town." Students taking this course
for 4 credits will write a paper reconciling this hymn's true
meaning with normal Protestant theology, which is to be translated
by the student himself (which makes it easy). Credit 3-4 units.
- B. "Stop That" Bloom, TTh 1-8 m.p.
350 Advanced Narcolepsy
Theory and practice of deep, everlasting, eternal sleep, only
occasionally interrupted by brief, dim flashes of outside life
in the parareal world. Techniques of sleep in any environment
whatsoever will be covered along with methodology for proper rolling,
flopping about, and other assorted extraneous motions that indicate
that you're not just lawn furniture being central. Prerequisite:
- M. Seager, nearly all the time
357G Defender-Winning and Looking Good
An intensive training course by the Master. Techniques of score
manipulation, space wave survival, and attention-focusing will
be foisted on all comers.
- C. Jennings, MWF 9-10 p.m., Wohl Gameroom
360 Denotational Schematics
Denotational Schematics is the science of arranging flowers by
computer. We will use a VAX 11/760 with 870 Mbytes disk storage
and three huge (really immense) tape drives, a hundred terminals,
and twelve trillion bytes of core storage (provided by a grant
from the National Endowment for the Humanities and a good deal
of scrounging around in garbage cans behind the School of Engineering)
with three robot arms (with eight long, hairy fingers) and six
ultra-high-resolution telecamera eyes (capable of looking at a
prosimian on the moon) to arrange lilies, roses, geraniums, deadly
nightshade, hummingbird feathers, chrysanthemums, liquor bottles,
flax, gardenias, dried gerbils, and pea pods (on loan from the
Digital Electronics Corporation, hereafter denoted schematically
by DEC). It's really fun. Prerequisite: a sense of color, form,
space, time, magnetic field strength, and beauty. Hope you like
- M. "Supreme Ruler of Lee Hall" Langridge
- H. "Beep-beep" McDonald
363 Astral Projection
A lab course in the methods of visiting the alternate planes of
parareality for research and relaxation. The methods covered in
this course are the legal ones: caffeine, lack of sleep, alcohol
(for those over 21 -- honor system applies), and force of personality/abnormal
psychology. Required for all majors. Credit 3 units.
- Staff, TBA
365 Military Parareality
Uses of parareality for tactical and strategic objectives; use
of pinball and video games to create soldiers (speed of reflexes,
the "Free Life" strategy for encouraging bravery, etc.);
comics to inspire heroism; fantasy for getting arms allocations;
and excuses to fight for multinational corporations. Lab fee:
your body and soul. Final project: a several-year lab in an unnamed
South American country, fighting for the dictatorship and American
interests against everyone in the country. (Danger: visible enrollment
in this course opens the student to attacks-mental, moral, and
physical-from pacifist faculty.)
- C.E. "The Insidious" Petit
This course covers the study of projectiles and projectile motion.
Methodologies of hurling, heaving, and otherwise tossing various
objects better suited to other uses are investigated in this course.
We begin with paper airplanes, and continue through straw wrappers,
anti-alcoholism pamphlets, Donkey Kong Jr. cereal, chocolate ice
cream, traditional glassware, orbs (e.g., tennis balls), finally
culminating in a review of the unique aerodynamic properties of
lounge chairs and their possible effect upon lounge walls. Lab
fee $10, directly payable to Residential Life.
- I. Kinman, Lee 3 Lounge
- D. Matl, Lee 3 Balcony
- M. Cadwalader, Lines C & D, Wohl Cafeteria
- D. Fleischer, Mudd Field
380 Technology and Para-Human Affairs
The influence of technology on the history of parareality and
thence on all of human civilization. Topics include: discovery
of fermentation and tea leaves, distilling, writing, electronics,
laundry machines, stardrive, and video screens. Prerequisite:
consent of the instructor. Credit 3 units.
- J. "Again, John Snead" Snee-DeThing, TBA
381 Advanced Stimulants
A more extensive and intensive study than that provided by 112.
It is recommended that all majors take this course, though it
is by no means required. The stimulants to be covered are probably
the same as those for 112. Illegal stimulants are possible topics
for special projects, but the department takes no responsibility
for those who get caught.
- T. Serfass and D. Hughes, all the time
390 Religion and Power
How to gain power as the head of your own private religion.
Methods of using pre-existing religions and creating your own
will be discussed. Topics include TV evangelism, Christian and
Islamic fundamentalism, standard and exotic pantheons, creating
holy relics, the L. Ron Hubbard method, and how to target a specific
segment of a population. Acquisition of godhead will be discussed
if time permits. Prerequisite: Para 114. Credit 3 units.
- L. "Physics Evangelist" Hammer, Su 9-12 a.m.
401 Criminal Behavior for Fun and Profit I: Misdemeanor
An exploration of the ways in which you may transform your random
criminal impulses into an organized campaign of terror and amass
hordes of riches. This elementary course covers the basics of
crime: traffic violations, petty theft, criminal trespass, mass
murder. Prerequisite: Para 107 and access to small armaments.
Lab/bail fee $100.00.
- I. Kinman, MWF 10-11 a.m.
402 Criminal Behavior for Fun and Profit II: Felony
A continuation of Para 401, this course teaches methods which
may ultimately be used to achieve final victory, destruction of
Western society, and dominion over the universe. Criminal topics
include: mail fraud, grand theft auto, embezzlement, smuggling,
most conspiracies you can name, sale of controlled substances,
and tax fraud. A small final project will involve applied nuclear
extortion. Prerequisite: plutonium. Co-requisite: Para 401. Lab/bail
fee: $5000.00 cash on the barrelhead, plus $45,000.00 collateral.
- I. Kinman, MWF 10-11 a.m.
410 Topics in Social Parareality
An in-depth consideration of the social commentary of parareality.
Topics include: gun control in Spiderman and Daredevil, James
Blish, Orwell, Kornbluth, Ursula K. Le Guin, Kilgore Trout, and
T. Sturgeon. A serious term paper will be required. Prerequisite:
Para 215 or consent of the instructor. Credit 4 units.
- C.G. "Apache" Vincent-Nagel, M 10:30-11, W 12-3
411 Dramatic Cooking
This course will cover the entirety of methods of dramatic cookery.
It will start with a summary of the great dinners in history,
such as Alexander's Feast, the Last Supper, and the Crimean War.
Then, with a wild sweep, the course will turn from theory to the
most useful practicalities that you can imagine: how to cook dramatically.
Methods to be covered include: having a nude person of the opposite
gender (or, if such are not available for the purpose, a greased
walrus, an Appalachian Spring, or a horde of man-eating fig trees)
leap from the hollow interior of a cake; the fine art of Incendiary
Cuisine, including the theory of thermonuclear legumes and "First
Spice" capability; and the method of Deceitful Appearanciation,
which enables one to serve the "Blazing Hyper-Heated Curry
Chili of DOOM" disguised as simple "Petits-Fours a la
Creme Brule avec une Piscine de Quelque Chose d'Autre." Prerequisite:
Para 231 and 234. Credit 3 units.
- B. "Flametongue" Ching
415C Topics in Parabiological Evolution I: The Quantum Gecko
A case study of its origins, physics, and development.
Heavy emphasis will be placed on contemporary accounts and theories.
Includes real-time age calculations based on the average distance
traveled at v=c. The last part of the course will be concentrated
on the care and feeding of your quantum gecko.
- J. "Jason of the Geckoes" Malkoff, MWF 9 a.m.-8:30
416A Topics in Parabiological Evolution II: Predators and Prey
A study of comparative para-ecology in the more active (hence
more suitable for experimentation) environments. We will conduct
experiments in accelerated evolution, predator/prey role reversal,
and specific adaptations (development of poisons and poison immunities,
concealment, flight, and defense). Credit 5 units due to exposure
to various environments. Meal card required.
- S. "M." Germain and M. "S." Martinez, MWF 4:30-5:30 p.m.
417 Introduction to Dungeon Mastery I
A complete (nay, compact) study of the methods of game-mastering
an existing dungeon or adventure. The first ten minutes will be
devoted to E. Gary Gygax modules; the rest of the semester will
be spent on the works of the masters. This course is more theoretical
than previous courses in this area, and has applications in fantasy
and SF as well as gaming. Some exposure to TFT or Adventurer required.
Prerequisite: two years experience. (Hack-and-Slash members may
try to substitute a brief description of their adventures, but
it will not be accepted.) Credit 4 units.
- B. Bloom, T 10-11 p.m., F 5-6 p.m., Sa 8-10 a.m.
418 Introduction to Dungeon Mastery II
Continuation of Para 417. Credit 4 units.
- B. Bloom, T 11-12 p.m., F 6-7 p.m., Sa 10 a.m.-12 p.m.
432 Nutrition and Color
Topics include the Chromatic Theory of Nutritional Balance: if
a meal contains the three primary food groups (green, red, and
blue), it is nutritionally complete. The lectures will be so convincing
that, although the theory is in fact false, your body will in
fact believe it and you will be able to subsist on a diet of grass,
blood, and the sky if meal plan prices increase.
- A. "Knife and Fork" Zupan
434 Topics in Home Economics II: Statistics and Lunch
Don't know a T-test from a T-bone? This is the class for you.
You will learn all about the preparation of a fully stratified
sample space; the analgorithmic method of linear and quadratic
regression with infinite datasets; calculation of polynomial probability
distributions over the real numbers; and the correct use of the
chi^2 test with Cauchy random variates. After all this, you will
be introduced to the deep, dark secrets of Home-Economical Statistics:
combinatorics, the Z-test, and multiplication of reciprocal integers.
The final grade incorporates grades based on a hot and cold buffet
luncheon for sixteen (with extra credit given for a statistical
analysis of queueing for plates), and an impromptu class meeting
at the student's house. Not open to Psychology majors or sophomores.
- S. "Random Deviate" Orton (Psychology)
- L. "Normal Distribution" Downing (Sophomore)
Lower- and variable-socioeconomic communication forms; argots
and jargons used in parallel realities (chemistry, computer science,
art); the life-cycle of a phrase (case studies to include "skeevatz", "what he said", and
"isochronolocojestrism"); and the effects
of stimulants and depressants (limited to legal ones, probably)
upon language, and vice versa. Research will be done in the use
of language to control the incursions of laundry and the trajectories
of a pinball. Prerequisite: Para 484AQ. Credit 4 units.
- P. Barron, TBA
456 Power, Power, and Power
This class will give you power. Lots of power. Such impressive
power that people will not be able to look at you without getting
their eyes burned out. Such impressive power that the administration
will lower your tuition and allow you to keep pet poodles and
freshmen in your dorm room. Such impressive power that your professors
will bow down whenever they see you. Such impressive power that
you will break the floor that you walk on. Such impressive power
that your breath will boil water and your voice will shatter concrete.
Such impressive power that you will almost be able to beat Craig
Jennings at Defender. Don't you want it?
461 Power from the Stars
It is not often realized that the pseudoscience of astrology is
one of the most powerful disciplines in modern America. Why? Not
from any essential validity of its own, but because several of
America's foremost leaders (such as R. Nixon, B. Graham, R. Reagan,
and G.H.W. Bush) and hindmost leaders (such as I. Amin, D. Quayle,
T. O'Neil, and J. E. Hoover) believe implicitly (if secretly)
anything presented to them in astrological terms. This course
teaches you to be an astrologer of a national reputation sufficient
to become the most trusted advisor of one of this nation's leading
power figures-and leaves you sufficiently cynical that you cannot
believe a word you say. Prerequisite:
Aquarius 101, Libra 101, Leo 201-2, or a background in Virgo or
Cancer and consent of the instructor. Not open to Gemini.
- C. E. "Stars on Thars" Petit, TTh 2-4:30 a.m. Crow Observatory
475A Raising Goldfish for Fun and Power
This introductory-level class teaches the basics of raising goldfish.
We start with the most common forms of goldfish, such as those
with fur, feathers, and freshman-class ID's, and detail the care,
tending, and methods of declaring each of them aquatic (hence
suitable for stabling in dorm rooms), with some clandestine survey
of methods of concealment from those evil personages who do not
accept their piscinity. We conclude with an advanced topic, such
as aquatic goldfish or pet administrator-fish.
- 1 Staff (from the Convent)
484AQ Introduction to Time Travel
A basic course in theory, practice, and uses. Non-linear time
theory, mechanics of movement, building your own time machine,
non-paradoxes, explanations to natives, proper etiquette upon
meeting ancestors/descendants, uses of inside information of future
events, and protecting long-term investments will be covered.
Final exam covers methods of recovering your $100,000,000 from
the compound interest from $.01 left in a bank account 100 years
previously. Prerequisite: Para 284C and concurrent registration
in Para 485. Credit 3 units.
- L. "Back into Your Deep, Dark Past" Heeter, MWF 4-5 a.m.
- L. "Bizarre Consequence of General Relativity" Hammer, MWF 3-4 a.m.
- J. "You want it when?" Malkoff, MWF 2-3 a.m.
- B. "No Time Theory like the Present" Paschke, MWF 1-2 a.m.
485 Time Travel Laboratory
Laboratory accompanying Para 485AQ. Final exam (separate from
the lecture's): student will deposit 1 cent in a bank and take
measures to insure that she does not receive 100,000,000 worthless
slips of paper 100 years later. Concurrent registration in Para
484AQ required. Credit 25 units.
- J. "Not Now" Simner, October 27, 9-9:30 a.m.
- G. "Lima Bean" Delos, October 28, 9-9:30 a.m.
- P. "Maxwell was Crazy" Shawhan, October 29, 9-9:30 a.m.
- B. "Something from your childhood, perhaps?" Orton, October 30, 9-9:30 a.m.
- Advanced Lab, by permission of instructor only: L. "Do you really think Einstein was right?" Hammer, 9-9:30 on another time-line to be arranged.
493 The Ottoman Empire: 1919-Present
At the peak of its power, the Ottoman Empire ruled half the galaxy,
supported human rights, had no taxation, and had the favor of
God. But heartless Christian historians have erased all memory
of its glory and righteousness. In this class we investigate those
glories, understand the tricks of heartless Christian historians,
and go to New York to join the Ottoman Liberation Front, an extremely
kind and humane militant organization which will conquer the United
States, annex it to the Second Ottoman Empire, and start real
liberty and justice and freedom of religion. Prerequisite: two
or more years of guerrilla warfare experience or consent of the
Sultan. Credit 4 units.
- Staff, TBA
495 Seminar in Comparative Reality: Ariosto's Orlando Furioso and Its Legacy in Modern Comic Books
In conjunction with this year's Renaissance/Baroque/'60s Celebration,
this interdisciplinary course will examine the nature of Ariosto's
art and its influence on Marvel and DC inkers, scripters, and
pencillers. It will especially concentrate on the theatricality
of Ariosto's narrative, on his manner of imitating and inspiring
imitators in the description of characters and emotions, and on
what can be seen by comparing Orlando Furioso with its imitators
from Shakespeare to Clairmont. No prerequisites. Identical with
Art-Arch 4963 and Drama 495.
Credit 3 units.
- Staff, TTh 3-5:30 p.m.
498 Independent Research
Prerequisite: consent of the department. Credit variable, 1-100
499 Senior Honors Thesis
Prerequisite: consent of the chairman of the department.
Credit 1-6 units. Does not count toward graduation.
501 Preventing Flight in Birds
This class teaches all the many tactics for preventing flight
in birds. We start with the simplest cases (penguins, emus, Scottish
country dancers), which can be kept on the ground with simple
applications of barley, ground salmon, and rum. We then move to
the more complicated cases, such as sparrows, cormorants, pigeons,
superheroes, and the White House; we will do a number of comparative
studies (rock salt vs. table salt (iodized and uniodized), clipping
pinfeathers vs clipping primary and secondary feathers). Finally,
each student will do a project in preventing some interesting
bird from flying: these may either be endangered (bald eagle),
extinct (dodo), or fictional (roc, phoenix, duck).
- S. "The Missing Wing" Robinson
- M. "Sancho De" Bryant
502 Theories of Investment Behavior
The Mass Hysteria Theory of Investment Behavior-also known as
the Herd Mentality Theory-is investigated in this course. The
differences between a Wall Street investment broker and your average
moose or caribou are investigated in detail in the first five
seconds of the course, followed by a long (possibly infinite,
though countably so) discourse surveying their similarities and
reasons why the DJIA (which, for the uninitiated, stands for "Dow
Jones Industrials Average" and is not an acronym for some
obscure spy agency) has utterly no relation to reality, as well
as noting the similarity of all this to astrology. Credit 3 units.
- M. Cadwalader, MTWThF 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
510Q World Creation
A very specialized class in the methods, physics, and esthetics
of creation of an alternative universe. This class is limited
to five students. Prerequisite: Para 417-8, 215, 329, either 236C
or 237C, and consent of the instructor. We will use AD&D and
Adventurer extensively in this class. Credit 6 units.
- B. Bloom, TBA
541 Eccentricity and Strangeness
This class will investigate these all-important modes of social
existence, and how they have dominated world politics and economics
throughout time. Topics to be covered: Genghis Khan's use of food
sculpture in world conquest; how the use of skateboards and Defender
led to the discovery of gravitation; Nocturnalism and the Robber
Barons; the Cloak-and-Spider politics
of Renaissance Italy; Wagner's use of General Relativity; the
use of coded whistles in early Christianity; Communist Biology;
kleptomania as the driving force for the Holocaust; and others
beyond number. Credit 6 units.
- T. Serfass, TBA
- S. Orton, TTh 1-2:30 a.m.
- S. Germain, TTh 1-2:30 p.m.
- H. Graber, T 1-2:30 a.m., Th 1-2:30 p.m.
- J. Walsh, T 1-2:30 p.m., Th 1-2:30 a.m.
- L. Hammer, occasionally TTh 1-2:30
- B. Ching, anytime but 1-2:30
543 How to Become a Superhero
The first semester of this course covers origin myths and the
like, starting with the simplest ways of becoming mighty (e.g.,
being a mutant or an alien), with a survey of the perils of simplicity
(e.g., being chased by sentinels or hordes of angry peasants simply
because you're alive). We will spend much of the semester on the
more elaborate methods: getting warts from a radioactive toad;
being taught the martial arts by the Infinitely Wide Guru; discovering
the Mystic Ice-Axe of the Magus in a cave in Brooklyn; or being
zapped by the cosmic mutant alien sorcerer-god Fladnag and his
cyborg sidekick Snidgol. The last part of the semester will be
spent on advanced techniques, such as building a costume with
all sorts of super-weapons and mega-powers in it. Credit dependent
upon successful completion of Para 544.
- P. "The Living Tribunal, Part I" Burchard
544 Life as a Superhero
This course will teach those who passed Para 543 what it's really
like. Topics include: sex and super-strength (how not to crush
your inamorata); insurance for duels with super-villains; how
to make heroism tax-deductible; air-traffic licenses-when you
need them, when you don't, how to avoid filing flight plans; how
to maintain a secret identity; how to survive the discovery of
your secret identity; and how to pay for all that equipment.
- B. "The Living Tribunal, Part II" Ching
545 How to Stop Being a Superhero
Open to a few select students from Para 544. This class will cover
methods of losing one's powers. The easiest ways are covered first:
death (temporary or permanent). These methods, although simple,
are risky-many dead superheroes return to life with new and improved
powers. Tactics of insulting readers (to inhibit resurrection)
are covered. We will spend a small amount of time on more esoteric
and more effective methods: gold kryptonite, radioactive anti-spiders
(or anteaters), and storage of enchanted hammers in bank vaults.
- B. "The Living Tribunal, Part III" Bloom
552 Food Sculpture
This class teaches the student the methodology and esthetics of
food sculpture. Construction, training, care and feeding, and
similar nice things will be covered. Meal card strongly recommended.
- K. "The Cook" Murphy and M. "Roomie Redbait" Cadwalader
565 Improbability Theory
Advanced methods of warping reality to fix the odds in your favor.
Topics include: loading the dice/deck; stings, scams, and fast-talk;
telekinesis and clairvoyance; finite and infinite improbability
generators; deals with the Fates, Timelords, scriptwriter, etc.;
and using your godhood. Credit 3 units.
- B. "Acey-duecey again!" Paschke, TBA, Las Vegas
602 Curing the World's Ills
A discussion of the schemes that the Great Thinkers of the Universe
have created for curing the world's ills, starting with Plato's
plan to make the entire world ideal and the Realm of Ideas worldly,
Aristotle's plan to replace people with bison, and Socrates' plan
to eliminate Plato and Aristotle. We will discuss the plans of
the great modern thinkers: Nietzsche's attempts to revive democracy
in Lapland, Swift's "Modest Proposal", Mussolini's struggle
to revive free love in Australia, and Nijinsky's Thousand-Year
Diet for Political Reality. Finally, we will devise even more
ambitious plans and con the U.N. into implementing them. Victory
will be near us!
- H. "3-foot-long Fangs Dripping with Poison" Brayman
7865 Staying Warm and Power
This is a full and snug coverage of all the methods ever used
to keep warm. All of them will be discussed. The simplest and
least expensive (e.g., lying in a tub of hot oatmeal, spending
nights in public buildings, dramatic cooking) will be demonstrated
in class, while the more exotic (exercise, lecherous play, and
blankets) are reserved for semester projects. This class will
discuss the power-dynamics of warmth; how to gain power by offering
freezing politicos, sorcerers, and warlords warmth in return for
their eternal servitude; and how to reduce your power bills as
you stay warm.
- S. "The Hot One" Orton
- C. "Warm Heart" Petit
805D German for Swans
The content of this class is obvious. There is not that much that
We could say about it that would make It any clearer, so We will
not write anything at all about the Content. It's all in German
anyway, so none of You could read it. There are tests given just
before each migration, and an oral report on a book of major significance
for Egyptian prehistory. We reserve three hours each week for
verbal dissection sections, in small groups of 5-71 swans each.
- M. "Ach Ja!" Cadwalader
864 Choosing a Mate
This is the most useful how-to class you can ever take.
This is the most important class of your life. Even if you have
never taken a class before or plan to take a class again, you
must--yea, MUST--take this class! It is
REE-quired! It is essential! God will get you
if you do not take this class! Really, it's VERY VERY
IMPORTANT AND VITALLY NECESSARY FOR LIFE AS A DECENT HUMAN BEING
UPON THIS EARTH OF OURS! I can't emphasize this enough.
(Wrong. You can. --Ed.) This class, to get down to the nitty gritty,
tells you how to choose a first mate for any ship you happen to
captain. What to look for. Is it better to have someone who can
navigate if the navigator gets scragged by Her Majesty's Navy,
or someone who can whip the galley slaves when the Spanish Armada
is on your tail? We can tell you this! Does the mate need to have
his own cutlass, or will a couple of marlinspikes and keels do?
Is it more important for him to be trustworthy--a guy you can turn
your back to when fighting three Roman triremes, or should he
be strong enough to lift a barrel of rum when you're scuttling
a Chinese junk? We know this, too! Remember: your choice of first
mate can determine, within three standard deviations, whether
you'll be rolling in doubloons and pieces of eleven up to your
very good eye, or walking the plank off the coast of Krakatoa!
- D. "Redbeard" Schafer
- M. "The Skull and Crossbones Lady" Miller
Here's the way to my home.
Please let me know about link rot.
© 1990, 1992
L. N. Hammer,
J. L. Simner,
& the rest of the faculty.