The Department of Parareality Course Listings were accreted over the course of six years at Washington University in St. Louis, and was handed down as successive classes graduated. It is, by parts, funny, silly, and obscure--and very much the product of undergraduates. You have been warned.

These course listings are copyrighted; you may make and distribute as many electronic copies as you wish as long as you keep the text entire and the copyright notice intact. You may also make one (1) hard-copy of the text for your personal use; with the sole exception that if you know any of the faculty, especially the emeritus, please give them a copy--we've lost track of everybody, and they might like to see it.

- the Editors

The Department of Parareality

Courses Offered 1990-91

It has recently been discovered that the standard form of reality is boring and depressing, and rarely of any use to anyone except business majors. The Department of Parareality offers a program designed to expose students to the various alternative forms of reality, for purposes of scholarly research, economic advancement, faith, hope, and charity.

Majors are required to choose a concentration in one of four sub-divisions: Literary, Theoretical, Applied, or Other. All majors must take 102, 363, and 9.41 units of lower-level classes outside their concentration. Honors requires a thesis on a topic which the applicant can convince the chairman that someone else has approved; this thesis carries 1-6 hours of credit which, due to a computer error, will count toward whatever is listed as your second major, but not toward graduation.

Chairman of the Department:

Larry N. Hammer (Compton School of Relativity)

Departmental Secretary:

Janni Lee Simner (Massachusetts State Home for the Terminally Confused)

Professors Emeritus:

Professors Miscellaneous:


Courses Now Offered:

000 Applied Catatonia
  1. An unidentified person who never does anything

100C Introduction to Comics

 A survey of the basic artistic literature of parareality. Selections will be drawn from a basic group of Marvel and DC superheroes, to provide an elementary understanding. There will be three in-semester exams, at which attendance is required, given at 2-4 a.m. various Fridays.
  1. P. Barron, MWF 10-11 p.m.
  2. J. Walsh, TTh 11 p.m.-12:30 a.m.

101 World Domination

 This course will teach the basic methods of world domination creation or adoption of a deterministic quasi moral philosophy, generalized ignoring of human rights, military power, and other classical devices; if time permits, there will be a discussion of such modern methods as secret police, mind control, addiction of the subjugated people to an unholy drug, and similar tricks. The course will conclude with a survey of the methods of preventing and escaping coups d'etat, and even initiating one's own to bolster a flagging government. Students must supply their own worlds; the bookstore will not carry them.
  1. Staff TBA

102 Data Warping

 This course will teach the manipulation of general numeric data, with special emphasis on data from the hard sciences. The methods will include Data Trimming (deletion of unwanted data values); Data Smoothing; Normal- and Poisson-valued data generation; Hypothesis Proving including Z, Student's T, Full Professor's C-, Poisson, and General Adjustable Model tests; and use of thought experiments, fast-talk, and small-angle approximations. Required for all majors. Credit 3 units.
  1. Three Pre-meds

103E Admiration of Rodents

 This class will teach the basic methods of admiring, worshipping, and adoring rodents. The class will cover the basic rodents (rats, mice, chipmunks, and lions) in the first three weeks, and then will progress to the more exotic and unusual- bandicoots and wombats predominating. (NB: The Department does not approve of this course, will not give credit for it, and will shun anyone who takes it.)
  1. B. "The Infinitely Wide Guru" Bloom

104A Termination of Rodents

 This class will teach the basic methods of terminating rodent lives and otherwise creaming the nasty little buggers. Techniques to be reviewed include: autoclaving; microwaving; emulsification; correct use of the guillotine (not recommended- slow and dull); crushing the head with a vise; drawing the rodent through a wringer tail-first; dissolution in molten fat; the Benihana method (which involves piercing the rodent with a skewer and roasting it live over a hibachi); and the ever-popular placing the rodent inside an automobile tire (preferably followed by a short road trip to the Yukon). Prerequisite: utensils and napkin. Credit 3 units.
  1. D. Fleischer, MF 4:30-6:30 p.m. Lines C & D, Wohl Cafeteria

105G Introduction to Electronic Games

 This class provides a brief survey of electronic games, including history of "quarter-dollars" pre-1975, basic hand-eye coordination, and contrast/comparison with hand-held or home video games. Lab sections to meet in various suitable locations. Two quizzes over general rules, practicum midterm. Final grade based on performance. Credit 4 hours; $475.25 lab fee.
  1. P. Barron, MTTh F 10-11 a.m. Final Edition, Delmar
  2. H. Graber, TTh 7-9 p.m. Wohl Gameroom
  3. C. G. Vincent-Nagel, MTThF 10:30-11:30 a.m. Mallinckrodt Center
  4. L. M. Clark, F 9 p.m.-1 a.m. Blueberry Hill (prerequisite: senior standing or consent of the management)

107 Improved Insidiousness

 This class teaches Evil--stark, unrelieved evil as it is rarely found outside comic books, and is never believable. It includes methods of personality warping, ego manipulation (of self and others), sadism, murder (subtle, direct, bloody, and most foul), and terrorism. Also included is an excellent treatment of how to attain a mental and psychological state in which such methods would become pleasurable. Class work will include two written exams, and a research paper of 15-20 pages length.
  1. M. "The Watcher" Martinez
  2. K. "The Great" Forest
  3. J. "One of the Old RA's" Goldman

110 Typing I

 This course will cover the basics of typing, including touch-typing and proofreading. Shorthand and dictation are also covered. (Note: this is an entirely theoretical course.)
  1. J. "John Snead" Snee-DeThing

111 Typing II

 This course will take up where 110 left off, including methods of getting money to pay the typist, with extras for typists who know shorthand or are willing to take dictation. We will cover the standard price ranges and methods of lowering prices (e.g., hiring friends). The barter system in all its manifestations will also be covered.
  1. J. "Still John Snead" Snee-DeThing

112E Introduction to Stimulants

 A nontechnical tasting course, geared to developing perception of style and structure. Stylistic studies include the stimulants of the 19th and 20th centuries, including perceptual analysis of liquid stimulants (coffee, tea, cola--not New Coke--, etc., with a required short paper (1-2 pages) on Mountain Dew) and of procedures of ingesting solid forms (No-Doz, Vivarin, dry instant coffee, tea leaves, Morning Thunder). Introduction to long-term and intensive use. Examinations are given at unexpected times with at least one in the last week of classes or reading week. The exams will last from 24 to 48 hours, depending on circumstances. Classtime: 20 hours a day, 6 days a week (attendance of other classes is permitted during classtime, though not especially encouraged). Credit 6 units. Vaguely identical with Music 102E.
  1. T. Serfass, all the time
  2. D. Hughes, every waking moment

114 How to be Powerful

 This course covers the basic methods of gaining power: lying, cheating, stealing, violence, good cooking, typewriter repair, dental hygiene, kidnapping, writing of epic poetry, feigning illness, creative nap-taking, food sculpture, and mass murder. A series of case studies will give the student practice in determining which one(s) of these methods is most appropriate to a given set of circumstances.
  1. K. "Stop that!" Murphy
  2. H. "Black bolt" Graberrr

120A Introduction to Dungeons & Dragons

 This course is a lab-and-discussion introduction to role-playing games. The class will go through the module "Descent into the Unknown." This course does not count toward the literary concentration of the major.
  1. S. Orton, M 11-12 p.m. (discussion) Sa 1-5 p.m. (lab)

121 Procrastination: Reasons, Methods, Justification and Encouragement

 This course may be repeated infinitely many times, but no credit will ever be given. It can and will be taken concurrently with most other courses, here and elsewhere.
  1. A. "No deadline is ever permanent" Lewkowicz, J. "Maybe I'll clean my room" Simner, and B. "I'll get to it, presently" Paschke, MWF 8-9 a.m., we promise.

130F Nuclear War

 An intensive laboratory course in the methodology of successfully conducting nuclear war. Use and management of delivery systems, warheads, spies, saboteurs, anti-missile systems, propaganda, and other weapons are considered, especially the dread Super Quartet (Super Germ, Super Virus, Super Serum, Super Sperm). Ethical questions will be briefly considered, then dismissed. Prerequisite: dice that glow in the dark. Credit 15 units.
Lecture section:
  1. D. Fleischer, M 1-1:15 p.m.
Laboratory sections:
  1. D. Fleischer, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  2. M. Seager, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  3. I. Kinman, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  4. M. Cadwalader, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  5. M. Bryant, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  6. J. Russ, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  7. S. Spaulding, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  8. E. Derbes, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  9. E. James, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  10. S. McNulty, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  11. D. Matl, Su-Sa 10 p.m.-2 a.m., Lounge
  12. M. Martin, Spring Break, Everglades

131F Sex and Values: How to Get the Most for Your Money

 This class will teach all about sex and values, including the impact of feminism on modern prostitution, the effects of the recent upsurge in sexual freedom on the world of pornography (with an interdisciplinary tidbit for economists on supply and demand), and other titillating and sexy things. Identical to Phil 131F, according to the instructor's public relations agent.
  1. T. "Me Again" Serfass

134 Work and Power

 The fundamental problem of the world is unemployment--nukes are just a joke. Why are so many people unemployed? They don't have Ultimate Power, and can't command a major business to give them a job. This course will teach you how to use Ultimate Power to become gainfully employed within sixteen years. Prerequisite: Ultimate Power.
  1. J. "Still John Snead, really" Snee-DeThing

141 Success Without Exams

 A development of numerous techniques for surviving and succeeding in this modern world without submitting to its rigorous and often harmful examination system. Students will learn the skills they need that will let them avoid with impunity most of the tests they will face in their lifetime. Two in class exams plus final examination; attendance at exams is forbidden. Credit 3 units.
  1. T. "Big Sam" Payerle, TTh 12:30-2:00 p.m.

142 Toolbox Theory

 The theory and practice of putting together a fishing-tackle box that will let you repair anything with just the contents of your backpack. Topics include: correct tool use, the truly necessary tools, efficient space filling, do-it-yourself electronics repair, and the importance of Walkmen. Credit 2 units.
  1. P. "Would you mind terribly if I fixed that seat?" Ho

152 Introduction to Daytime

 This course will introduce the innocent nocturnal student to the pleasures and perils of diurnal living. This course will meet at different times each week, starting at 2:00 a.m. and getting one hour earlier each week, finally returning to 2:00 a.m. after twenty-four silly and horrible weeks. This course will teach psychological tactics for surviving and eventually even appreciating the various aspects and joys of the morning, afternoon, and evening. Credit 24 hours.
  1. Daytime instructor: P. "Sunshine Kid" Burchard
  2. Nighttime instructor: D. "Nocturnal Nuke" Hughes

161ABCDEFGQPiZ Distribution Requirement Seminar

 Students will sit around late at night, drinking tea, swapping stories, and receiving a distribution requirement previously determined in consultation with the instructors. Faculty members will be in the next room, watching Dr. Who. Prerequisite: A notarized agreement not to breath a word about this course outside of the department. Credit variable, dependent on needs for graduation.
  1. Staff, Su 10-11:30 p.m.

171 Self-Defense

 The best defense is a good offense. This course will teach the methods of trashing the room of an enemy. Basic techniques of carding doors, flaming Lysol, baby powder, pennying doors, moving furniture, stealing stuffed animals and other hostages, and Dixie-cupping will be covered. Final project: trash the room of someone other than your professor.
  1. B. "I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn't very nice" Ching, To be taught when you least expect it

181E 1-D Design

 A course for those who think they have no artistic ability but really have been working in the wrong dimension. Points, lines, and how to connect the two.
  1. J. "Close Enough" Simner, TBA

190 Recognition of Ultimate Evil

 Lima beans. Wham! records. New Coke. Cheese Whiz. You know they're bad, but this course teaches you to recognize these as mere manifestations of Ultimate Evil. Learn how to face it, how to avoid it-no matter how it may stalk you. Learn the Secrets of the Economists, so that you may instantly forget them. Learn how to recognize Dean of Students so that you may instantly vaporize him. Learn several other irrelevant things. But through these misadventures, you gain an understanding of Ultimate Evil and its power source, busy work (contact any Engineering professor for complete details on busy work). Of course, you're powerless against these forces, so the course is for naught, but it'll satisfy your curiosity. Prerequisite: Para 107.
  1. M. Cadwalader

198 Elasticism

 How to stretch. Anything. Knees a must. Credit variable.
  1. D. Fleischer, Barnes Hospital
  2. I. Kinman, Barnes Hospital

210 Sex and Power

 This will cover the basic interrelations of sex and power. Methods of conversion of lust to useful electricity and heat are covered, with the standard methods of interconversion explained in a way adapted to easy home use. Prerequisite: Para 131F. Credit 3 units
  1. "The Great" Staff

211 Celibacy and Power

 This course will cover the methods of gaining power while remaining celibate, even under the most unlikely of circumstances. Readings will include various Hindu, Christian, and Hare Krishna ascetics, and Jerry Falwell; readings for exercises will include Penthouse, Oui, and similar journals. Several field trips to bordellos will be taken.
  1. An unnamed and invisible "Downtrodden Scum" instructor

215G Intermediate and Advanced Video Gaming

 Section 1: Space Games. Will include intensive theory and training in such games as Galaxians, Galaga, Asteroids, and Radar Scope. Final grade dependent upon gaining the extra ship. Credit 7 units.
  1. H. Graber, MF 10:30 p.m.-12 a.m.
Section 2: Maze Games and Adaptations. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Scramble, and Amidar will be the focus. This course will be team-taught. Attention will be paid to adaptations such as Ms. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong Jr., Super Cobra, and home video versions. Credit 7 units, grade dependent as above.
  1. S. Adams, C.G. Vincent-Nagel, L.M. Clark, MF 6:30-10 p.m.

217-218 Introduction to Quantum Physics

 Same as Phys 217-218.

219Q Geography of Central America

 The professor, who gained his vast knowledge of Nicaraguan and El Salvadoran topography while falling through the air, dressed in fatigues and with a parachute strapped to his back, will lecture upon his findings and his insights. You, the student, will dutifully sit, listen, and take notes. Credit 1 unit. Dismissed! Not open to members of SAC (Social Action Collective, not the Strategic Air Command) or 4-F's.
  1. E. Derbes, (meeting time and place classified)

221 Guts and Power

 In dis course ya gotta have guts.
  1. V. "Guts" Selby

231 Cooking and Power

 How to use cooking skills to gain utter and absolute dominion over a region as small as a dormitory floor-or even as large as a continent. Great culinary leaders of all time, from Genghis Khan to Jimmy Carter, will be considered; Cordon Bleu dishes will be prepared and forced on unsuspecting victims; and buffet luncheons will be given to subvert unsuspecting leaders. This course is extremely dangerous--if the current (non-gourmet) world dictators discover it, all participants will be sentenced to eat at McDonald's. Prerequisite: Para 114.
  1. K. "Best Cook '82-'83" Narveson

234 Topics in Home Economics I: Cooking with Children

 Boiling, baking, roasting, frying, toasting, and the ever-popular puree. Course texts include "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift and "Hansel and Gretel" by the Brothers Grimm. Weekly labs in the Bear's Den Cafeteria. Credit 3 units.
  1. B. "Fingers" Orton, TTh 4:30-6 p.m.

235C Introduction to Super Teams

236C Introduction to Science Fiction

237C Introduction to Fantasy

 These three courses will be taught more or less simultaneously, in a haphazard team-teaching fashion, by any members of the faculty that may or may not feel themselves competent to do so. Content variable, -4 to -1 units.
  1. Staff, God only knows when

238 The Essence of Shaving

 The joys of shaving, as taught by the masters. Manual and electric methods are included, and emphasis is put on the importance of constant practice in developing shaving skills. The final quarter will cover emergency methods of shaving (e.g., sharp rocks, machetes, standing in a strong wind, dermabrasion). Must be taken pass/fail. Credit 1 unit. May be substituted for Para 237C.
  1. D. Brock
  2. M. Bryant
  3. B. Paschke

241 Thint and Power

 In this class athint for power, kchoychoy, and pleeshka. Loor, tist, and cospital will be discussed; anagram for dear life; and resume after two or three days. Recovery from catatonia. For beginners, thint athint thint thint or consent of the instructor is required. We will swivel prothkich, ragar, and limlip. That's all.
  1. C. "Abstractionist" Votaw

244A Fantasy Gaming

 A brief survey of such staples as D&D, AD&D, TFT, and EPT, followed by an in-depth Adventurer campaign. Final project determines grade: typical projects include clearing of baronies, quests for artifacts, and gaining immortality. Concurrent enrollment in Para 236C or 237C or consent of the instructor required.
  1. Ceoles the Couatl, Su 1 p.m.-?

250 Overcoming Math Anxiety

 A novel approach to a perennial problem. People are anxious about mathematics that they have seen before. This class will present material that its students are totally unfamiliar with, and hence haven't become imprinted with fear thereof (yet). This class will cover the basics of mathematics in a manner which even the most inexperienced of students will immediately understand. Topics this semester: Aronszajn, Kurepa, and Souslin trees; independence of the axioms of set theory (with forcing); Galois theory; measurable, inaccessible, and Mahlo cardinals; ZF theory; and algebraic and transcendental extensions. Credit 4 units. Does not count toward major.
  1. B. "The Mathanthrope" Bloom, F 10 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

251 Math Anxiety and Power

 This course will try a novel approach to using the Math Anxiety that we find all around us to give potentially unlimited power. Math Anxiety, according to the great Gurus of Madagascar, is the ultimate universal force; the world exists only to promote Math Anxiety. There are two fundamental ways to use this great cosmic force: the Path of Learning (artha), and the Path of Peace (moksha). The Path of Learning allows the adept to threaten the basic structure of the universe by soothing its fears about mathematics until the Powers of the Universe tremble. The Path of Peace, on the other hand, will allow the student to remain pure and innocent of mathematics, and (s)he will thereby eventually attain Nirvana. Prerequisites: Aronszajn, Kurepa, and Souslin trees; set theory through forcing; Galois theory; theory of cardinals; ZF theory; and algebraic and transcendental extensions.
  1. B. "Dr. Strange" Bloom, F 10 a.m.-12:30 p.m.

262 Art for Physicists

 This class will teach physics majors how to appreciate the finer structures of life without ever invoking the fine structure constant. The student will learn appreciation for the Pre-Raphaelites, how not to over-analyze techniques, what not to worry about when viewing a sculpture, and how to get in touch with the Cosmic Om without using a calculator.
  1. TBA

271 Stimulants and Power

 This class covers the basics of how to take stimulants and thereby obtain great power. Topics include: caffeine/dominance interactions, pushers and shovers, and the use of speed to double the clock speed of a microprocessor. Prerequisite: Para 112.
  1. D. "Dwiggit" Hughes
  2. T. "Vitamin C+" Serfass

284D Grammar For Time Travel

 A basic introduction to the tenses of non-linear time. How to explain events of your past but somebody else's future. How to ask about events in your future but somebody else's past. How to describe an event that would have been in your past if you hadn't time-jumped forward two days in order to avoid it. How to explain why you are going back to the past with the intention of becoming your own father or mother. The construction and use of all tenses through the Future Semiconditionally Modified Pluperfect Subjunctive will have been covered. Prerequisite: Para 437 or equivalent, credit 3 units.
  1. L. "Hideous, Unspeakable Languages" Heeter, willan-on-be announced
  2. J. "Non-linear Temporal Forum" Simner, Su 10-11:30 p.m.

291D The Power of Positive Drinking

 Learn how to get everyone around you drunk. Then you will be able to tell them to do anything you want, and (if you're persuasive enough) get them to do it. The standard methods of persuasion of drunks, especially including offering them more drinks, will be covered. We will also consider the famous case studies, such as the people who traded for furs with the Indians. Tang experience required. Prerequisite: Para 114
  1. T. "Chemical Love and Pollination" Serfass
  2. S. "Furry Person" Orton

299.5 Solitaire-an Interdisciplinary Approach

 A course to be taught by 13 professors from nine different levels of exhaustion. Topics include: aggression, procrastination techniques, and creative cheating, with an emphasis on two, three, and ten player variations. This class will take place during the last three weeks of the semester, and should not be taken concurrently with any course requiring a passing grade.
  1. Lin (course master), Simner, Ebert, Fisher, Heeter, Strauss, Wellborn, Hammer, Banchik, Spaulding, Carvello, McNulty, Holmquist, Lounge, whenever.

301E Comics and Civilization

 A historical survey of imagery and plots in the Western World, from the Stone Age to the present day, with emphasis upon the relation of comics to the persistent difficulties men face in their efforts to become civilized and hastening the inevitable decay into barbarism, bad grammar, and moral degeneration. Prerequisite: Para 100.
  1. L. M. Clark, MF 11 a.m.-12:30 p.m.
  2. S. Adams, TTh 2:30-4 p.m.

302 The Art of the Practical Joke

 This class will teach the interested student how to appreciate practical jokes played upon him. He will learn the subtle and amazing esthetics of the experiences of having the contents of his room placed in the lounge for all to see, of having his blinds left open at a most inopportune time by his (displaced-for-the-night) roommate, of being stripped naked and painted yellow in the Quad, and of trying to pay tuition. The class will then proceed to the pranks of the masters (specifically, the Masters of Evil), which cannot be named or described to the uninitiated. The class will conclude with a Laurel and Hardy filmfest (the students will be locked into the movie theater, which will be gradually flooded with whipped cream during the course of the show). Prerequisite: Para 171. Credit 3 units.
  1. P. "Extremely Practical" Burchard
  2. G. "Prell Hotline" Delos

315A Topics in Parabiology I: Laundry

 An extensive course on this peculiar life form. Topics will include life-cycle development; spontaneous generation; methods of eradication (with a complete study of detergents); ecological adaptation to the harshest of environments (field trip optional, required for 4-credit class); predator-prey graphs; dissection of the tentacled varieties; cellular and molecular structure or the equivalent; and history. Credit 3-4 units.
  1. J. Snee-DeThing, TBA

316A Topics in Parabiology II: Stuffed Animals

 The history of these lovable creatures, from voodoo dolls to the present (with absolutely NO emphasis on either Barney or My Little Pony) will be discussed in as much detail as the instructor can be bribed into giving. Special topics to be covered whether time permits or not include: huggability, teddy bears vs. others, and the importance of stuffed animals to the college student (comfort, defense, etc.). Prerequisite: 12 years of childhood. Credit 3 units.
  1. J. "Great Swimmer of the Universal Oceans" Simner, TTh just before bedtime.

329 Magic, Math, and Ritual

 An intensive study of the interaction of fantasy, SF, and gaming on one talon, and higher mathematics on the other. Topics include comparative magic systems, character generation, probability and probability alteration, effective trap construction, and axiomatic set theory through forcing. Identical with Anthro 329 (perhaps) and Math 329 (very doubtful indeed).
  1. B. Bloom, TTh 12:30-2 p.m.

341 Introduction to Classical Reality

 This course is a safety device, teaching students of parareality how to understand and how to act in the (admittedly boring and mundane) classical or standard reality; it is especially useful for students intending to spend time there. Topics include the canonical use of language, including the ways the denizens of classical reality keep the meanings of words fixed; the myriad subtleties of University grading and housing systems; how to eat in polite and marginally-polite society, including methods for getting a parabalanced diet including all of the oddball required vitamins while living in classical reality; and the conversion of currency between the various universes. Recommended for all majors. Prerequisite: Para 152. Credit 3 units.
  1. C. Votaw, MWF 8-9 a.m.

342 Creative and Applied Dyslexia

 Have you ever wondered how some people can have so much fun while reading the most boring and worthless items of literary and authorial activity? The answer is simple and obvious-even to the uneducated and simple-minded. They are demonstrating the great and noble ancient Korean art of Creative and Applied Dyslexia! You, too, can learn this, the supreme art. The first half of the class informs the innocent and mild student how to misread a variety of common English words and phrases. The second third of the class teaches the now wily and materialistic student the many methods of Aliterary Dyslexia, the application of the first part of the course to non-written situations, such as everyday conversation and speech. The third sixth of the course initiates the student, by this time a creative genius every bit the equal of Alexander the Great, into the Gift of Tongues, allowing him to understand every written or spoken language. The methods of this course reveal the true meaning of the hymn "Ein Feiste Burge ist meine Gott" to be "My goat is a rambunctious town." Students taking this course for 4 credits will write a paper reconciling this hymn's true meaning with normal Protestant theology, which is to be translated by the student himself (which makes it easy). Credit 3-4 units.
  1. B. "Stop That" Bloom, TTh 1-8 m.p.

350 Advanced Narcolepsy

 Theory and practice of deep, everlasting, eternal sleep, only occasionally interrupted by brief, dim flashes of outside life in the parareal world. Techniques of sleep in any environment whatsoever will be covered along with methodology for proper rolling, flopping about, and other assorted extraneous motions that indicate that you're not just lawn furniture being central. Prerequisite: Para 000.
  1. M. Seager, nearly all the time

357G Defender-Winning and Looking Good

 An intensive training course by the Master. Techniques of score manipulation, space wave survival, and attention-focusing will be foisted on all comers.
  1. C. Jennings, MWF 9-10 p.m., Wohl Gameroom

360 Denotational Schematics

 Denotational Schematics is the science of arranging flowers by computer. We will use a VAX 11/760 with 870 Mbytes disk storage and three huge (really immense) tape drives, a hundred terminals, and twelve trillion bytes of core storage (provided by a grant from the National Endowment for the Humanities and a good deal of scrounging around in garbage cans behind the School of Engineering) with three robot arms (with eight long, hairy fingers) and six ultra-high-resolution telecamera eyes (capable of looking at a prosimian on the moon) to arrange lilies, roses, geraniums, deadly nightshade, hummingbird feathers, chrysanthemums, liquor bottles, flax, gardenias, dried gerbils, and pea pods (on loan from the Digital Electronics Corporation, hereafter denoted schematically by DEC). It's really fun. Prerequisite: a sense of color, form, space, time, magnetic field strength, and beauty. Hope you like it.
  1. M. "Supreme Ruler of Lee Hall" Langridge
  2. H. "Beep-beep" McDonald

363 Astral Projection

 A lab course in the methods of visiting the alternate planes of parareality for research and relaxation. The methods covered in this course are the legal ones: caffeine, lack of sleep, alcohol (for those over 21 -- honor system applies), and force of personality/abnormal psychology. Required for all majors. Credit 3 units.
  1. Staff, TBA

365 Military Parareality

 Uses of parareality for tactical and strategic objectives; use of pinball and video games to create soldiers (speed of reflexes, the "Free Life" strategy for encouraging bravery, etc.); comics to inspire heroism; fantasy for getting arms allocations; and excuses to fight for multinational corporations. Lab fee: your body and soul. Final project: a several-year lab in an unnamed South American country, fighting for the dictatorship and American interests against everyone in the country. (Danger: visible enrollment in this course opens the student to attacks-mental, moral, and physical-from pacifist faculty.)
  1. C.E. "The Insidious" Petit

370 Ballistics

 This course covers the study of projectiles and projectile motion. Methodologies of hurling, heaving, and otherwise tossing various objects better suited to other uses are investigated in this course. We begin with paper airplanes, and continue through straw wrappers, anti-alcoholism pamphlets, Donkey Kong Jr. cereal, chocolate ice cream, traditional glassware, orbs (e.g., tennis balls), finally culminating in a review of the unique aerodynamic properties of lounge chairs and their possible effect upon lounge walls. Lab fee $10, directly payable to Residential Life.
  1. I. Kinman, Lee 3 Lounge
  2. D. Matl, Lee 3 Balcony
  3. M. Cadwalader, Lines C & D, Wohl Cafeteria
  4. D. Fleischer, Mudd Field

380 Technology and Para-Human Affairs

 The influence of technology on the history of parareality and thence on all of human civilization. Topics include: discovery of fermentation and tea leaves, distilling, writing, electronics, laundry machines, stardrive, and video screens. Prerequisite: consent of the instructor. Credit 3 units.
  1. J. "Again, John Snead" Snee-DeThing, TBA

381 Advanced Stimulants

 A more extensive and intensive study than that provided by 112. It is recommended that all majors take this course, though it is by no means required. The stimulants to be covered are probably the same as those for 112. Illegal stimulants are possible topics for special projects, but the department takes no responsibility for those who get caught.
  1. T. Serfass and D. Hughes, all the time

390 Religion and Power

 How to gain power as the head of your own private religion. Methods of using pre-existing religions and creating your own will be discussed. Topics include TV evangelism, Christian and Islamic fundamentalism, standard and exotic pantheons, creating holy relics, the L. Ron Hubbard method, and how to target a specific segment of a population. Acquisition of godhead will be discussed if time permits. Prerequisite: Para 114. Credit 3 units.
  1. L. "Physics Evangelist" Hammer, Su 9-12 a.m.

401 Criminal Behavior for Fun and Profit I: Misdemeanor

 An exploration of the ways in which you may transform your random criminal impulses into an organized campaign of terror and amass hordes of riches. This elementary course covers the basics of crime: traffic violations, petty theft, criminal trespass, mass murder. Prerequisite: Para 107 and access to small armaments. Lab/bail fee $100.00.
  1. I. Kinman, MWF 10-11 a.m.

402 Criminal Behavior for Fun and Profit II: Felony

 A continuation of Para 401, this course teaches methods which may ultimately be used to achieve final victory, destruction of Western society, and dominion over the universe. Criminal topics include: mail fraud, grand theft auto, embezzlement, smuggling, most conspiracies you can name, sale of controlled substances, and tax fraud. A small final project will involve applied nuclear extortion. Prerequisite: plutonium. Co-requisite: Para 401. Lab/bail fee: $5000.00 cash on the barrelhead, plus $45,000.00 collateral.
  1. I. Kinman, MWF 10-11 a.m.

410 Topics in Social Parareality

 An in-depth consideration of the social commentary of parareality. Topics include: gun control in Spiderman and Daredevil, James Blish, Orwell, Kornbluth, Ursula K. Le Guin, Kilgore Trout, and T. Sturgeon. A serious term paper will be required. Prerequisite: Para 215 or consent of the instructor. Credit 4 units.
  1. C.G. "Apache" Vincent-Nagel, M 10:30-11, W 12-3

411 Dramatic Cooking

 This course will cover the entirety of methods of dramatic cookery. It will start with a summary of the great dinners in history, such as Alexander's Feast, the Last Supper, and the Crimean War. Then, with a wild sweep, the course will turn from theory to the most useful practicalities that you can imagine: how to cook dramatically. Methods to be covered include: having a nude person of the opposite gender (or, if such are not available for the purpose, a greased walrus, an Appalachian Spring, or a horde of man-eating fig trees) leap from the hollow interior of a cake; the fine art of Incendiary Cuisine, including the theory of thermonuclear legumes and "First Spice" capability; and the method of Deceitful Appearanciation, which enables one to serve the "Blazing Hyper-Heated Curry Chili of DOOM" disguised as simple "Petits-Fours a la Creme Brule avec une Piscine de Quelque Chose d'Autre." Prerequisite: Para 231 and 234. Credit 3 units.
  1. B. "Flametongue" Ching

415C Topics in Parabiological Evolution I: The Quantum Gecko

 A case study of its origins, physics, and development. Heavy emphasis will be placed on contemporary accounts and theories. Includes real-time age calculations based on the average distance traveled at v=c. The last part of the course will be concentrated on the care and feeding of your quantum gecko.
  1. J. "Jason of the Geckoes" Malkoff, MWF 9 a.m.-8:30 a.m. (objective)

416A Topics in Parabiological Evolution II: Predators and Prey

 A study of comparative para-ecology in the more active (hence more suitable for experimentation) environments. We will conduct experiments in accelerated evolution, predator/prey role reversal, and specific adaptations (development of poisons and poison immunities, concealment, flight, and defense). Credit 5 units due to exposure to various environments. Meal card required.
  1. S. "M." Germain and M. "S." Martinez, MWF 4:30-5:30 p.m.

417 Introduction to Dungeon Mastery I

 A complete (nay, compact) study of the methods of game-mastering an existing dungeon or adventure. The first ten minutes will be devoted to E. Gary Gygax modules; the rest of the semester will be spent on the works of the masters. This course is more theoretical than previous courses in this area, and has applications in fantasy and SF as well as gaming. Some exposure to TFT or Adventurer required. Prerequisite: two years experience. (Hack-and-Slash members may try to substitute a brief description of their adventures, but it will not be accepted.) Credit 4 units.
  1. B. Bloom, T 10-11 p.m., F 5-6 p.m., Sa 8-10 a.m.

418 Introduction to Dungeon Mastery II

 Continuation of Para 417. Credit 4 units.
  1. B. Bloom, T 11-12 p.m., F 6-7 p.m., Sa 10 a.m.-12 p.m.

432 Nutrition and Color

 Topics include the Chromatic Theory of Nutritional Balance: if a meal contains the three primary food groups (green, red, and blue), it is nutritionally complete. The lectures will be so convincing that, although the theory is in fact false, your body will in fact believe it and you will be able to subsist on a diet of grass, blood, and the sky if meal plan prices increase.
  1. A. "Knife and Fork" Zupan

434 Topics in Home Economics II: Statistics and Lunch

 Don't know a T-test from a T-bone? This is the class for you. You will learn all about the preparation of a fully stratified sample space; the analgorithmic method of linear and quadratic regression with infinite datasets; calculation of polynomial probability distributions over the real numbers; and the correct use of the chi^2 test with Cauchy random variates. After all this, you will be introduced to the deep, dark secrets of Home-Economical Statistics: combinatorics, the Z-test, and multiplication of reciprocal integers. The final grade incorporates grades based on a hot and cold buffet luncheon for sixteen (with extra credit given for a statistical analysis of queueing for plates), and an impromptu class meeting at the student's house. Not open to Psychology majors or sophomores.
  1. S. "Random Deviate" Orton (Psychology)
  2. L. "Normal Distribution" Downing (Sophomore)

437 Paralinguistics

 Lower- and variable-socioeconomic communication forms; argots and jargons used in parallel realities (chemistry, computer science, art); the life-cycle of a phrase (case studies to include "skeevatz", "what he said", and "isochronolocojestrism"); and the effects of stimulants and depressants (limited to legal ones, probably) upon language, and vice versa. Research will be done in the use of language to control the incursions of laundry and the trajectories of a pinball. Prerequisite: Para 484AQ. Credit 4 units.
  1. P. Barron, TBA

456 Power, Power, and Power

 This class will give you power. Lots of power. Such impressive power that people will not be able to look at you without getting their eyes burned out. Such impressive power that the administration will lower your tuition and allow you to keep pet poodles and freshmen in your dorm room. Such impressive power that your professors will bow down whenever they see you. Such impressive power that you will break the floor that you walk on. Such impressive power that your breath will boil water and your voice will shatter concrete. Such impressive power that you will almost be able to beat Craig Jennings at Defender. Don't you want it?
  1. Staff

461 Power from the Stars

 It is not often realized that the pseudoscience of astrology is one of the most powerful disciplines in modern America. Why? Not from any essential validity of its own, but because several of America's foremost leaders (such as R. Nixon, B. Graham, R. Reagan, and G.H.W. Bush) and hindmost leaders (such as I. Amin, D. Quayle, T. O'Neil, and J. E. Hoover) believe implicitly (if secretly) anything presented to them in astrological terms. This course teaches you to be an astrologer of a national reputation sufficient to become the most trusted advisor of one of this nation's leading power figures-and leaves you sufficiently cynical that you cannot believe a word you say. Prerequisite: Aquarius 101, Libra 101, Leo 201-2, or a background in Virgo or Cancer and consent of the instructor. Not open to Gemini.
  1. C. E. "Stars on Thars" Petit, TTh 2-4:30 a.m. Crow Observatory

475A Raising Goldfish for Fun and Power

 This introductory-level class teaches the basics of raising goldfish. We start with the most common forms of goldfish, such as those with fur, feathers, and freshman-class ID's, and detail the care, tending, and methods of declaring each of them aquatic (hence suitable for stabling in dorm rooms), with some clandestine survey of methods of concealment from those evil personages who do not accept their piscinity. We conclude with an advanced topic, such as aquatic goldfish or pet administrator-fish.
  1. 1 Staff (from the Convent)

484AQ Introduction to Time Travel

 A basic course in theory, practice, and uses. Non-linear time theory, mechanics of movement, building your own time machine, non-paradoxes, explanations to natives, proper etiquette upon meeting ancestors/descendants, uses of inside information of future events, and protecting long-term investments will be covered. Final exam covers methods of recovering your $100,000,000 from the compound interest from $.01 left in a bank account 100 years previously. Prerequisite: Para 284C and concurrent registration in Para 485. Credit 3 units.
  1. L. "Back into Your Deep, Dark Past" Heeter, MWF 4-5 a.m.
  2. L. "Bizarre Consequence of General Relativity" Hammer, MWF 3-4 a.m.
  3. J. "You want it when?" Malkoff, MWF 2-3 a.m.
  4. B. "No Time Theory like the Present" Paschke, MWF 1-2 a.m.

485 Time Travel Laboratory

 Laboratory accompanying Para 485AQ. Final exam (separate from the lecture's): student will deposit 1 cent in a bank and take measures to insure that she does not receive 100,000,000 worthless slips of paper 100 years later. Concurrent registration in Para 484AQ required. Credit 25 units.
  1. J. "Not Now" Simner, October 27, 9-9:30 a.m.
  2. G. "Lima Bean" Delos, October 28, 9-9:30 a.m.
  3. P. "Maxwell was Crazy" Shawhan, October 29, 9-9:30 a.m.
  4. B. "Something from your childhood, perhaps?" Orton, October 30, 9-9:30 a.m.
  5. Advanced Lab, by permission of instructor only: L. "Do you really think Einstein was right?" Hammer, 9-9:30 on another time-line to be arranged.

493 The Ottoman Empire: 1919-Present

 At the peak of its power, the Ottoman Empire ruled half the galaxy, supported human rights, had no taxation, and had the favor of God. But heartless Christian historians have erased all memory of its glory and righteousness. In this class we investigate those glories, understand the tricks of heartless Christian historians, and go to New York to join the Ottoman Liberation Front, an extremely kind and humane militant organization which will conquer the United States, annex it to the Second Ottoman Empire, and start real liberty and justice and freedom of religion. Prerequisite: two or more years of guerrilla warfare experience or consent of the Sultan. Credit 4 units.
  1. Staff, TBA

495 Seminar in Comparative Reality: Ariosto's Orlando Furioso and Its Legacy in Modern Comic Books

 In conjunction with this year's Renaissance/Baroque/'60s Celebration, this interdisciplinary course will examine the nature of Ariosto's art and its influence on Marvel and DC inkers, scripters, and pencillers. It will especially concentrate on the theatricality of Ariosto's narrative, on his manner of imitating and inspiring imitators in the description of characters and emotions, and on what can be seen by comparing Orlando Furioso with its imitators from Shakespeare to Clairmont. No prerequisites. Identical with Art-Arch 4963 and Drama 495. Credit 3 units.
  1. Staff, TTh 3-5:30 p.m.

498 Independent Research

 Prerequisite: consent of the department. Credit variable, 1-100 units.

499 Senior Honors Thesis

 Prerequisite: consent of the chairman of the department. Credit 1-6 units. Does not count toward graduation.

500 Clairvoyance

501 Preventing Flight in Birds

 This class teaches all the many tactics for preventing flight in birds. We start with the simplest cases (penguins, emus, Scottish country dancers), which can be kept on the ground with simple applications of barley, ground salmon, and rum. We then move to the more complicated cases, such as sparrows, cormorants, pigeons, superheroes, and the White House; we will do a number of comparative studies (rock salt vs. table salt (iodized and uniodized), clipping pinfeathers vs clipping primary and secondary feathers). Finally, each student will do a project in preventing some interesting bird from flying: these may either be endangered (bald eagle), extinct (dodo), or fictional (roc, phoenix, duck).
  1. S. "The Missing Wing" Robinson
  2. M. "Sancho De" Bryant

502 Theories of Investment Behavior

 The Mass Hysteria Theory of Investment Behavior-also known as the Herd Mentality Theory-is investigated in this course. The differences between a Wall Street investment broker and your average moose or caribou are investigated in detail in the first five seconds of the course, followed by a long (possibly infinite, though countably so) discourse surveying their similarities and reasons why the DJIA (which, for the uninitiated, stands for "Dow Jones Industrials Average" and is not an acronym for some obscure spy agency) has utterly no relation to reality, as well as noting the similarity of all this to astrology. Credit 3 units.
  1. M. Cadwalader, MTWThF 10 a.m.-4 p.m.

510Q World Creation

 A very specialized class in the methods, physics, and esthetics of creation of an alternative universe. This class is limited to five students. Prerequisite: Para 417-8, 215, 329, either 236C or 237C, and consent of the instructor. We will use AD&D and Adventurer extensively in this class. Credit 6 units.
  1. B. Bloom, TBA

541 Eccentricity and Strangeness

 This class will investigate these all-important modes of social existence, and how they have dominated world politics and economics throughout time. Topics to be covered: Genghis Khan's use of food sculpture in world conquest; how the use of skateboards and Defender led to the discovery of gravitation; Nocturnalism and the Robber Barons; the Cloak-and-Spider politics of Renaissance Italy; Wagner's use of General Relativity; the use of coded whistles in early Christianity; Communist Biology; kleptomania as the driving force for the Holocaust; and others beyond number. Credit 6 units.
  1. T. Serfass, TBA
  2. S. Orton, TTh 1-2:30 a.m.
  3. S. Germain, TTh 1-2:30 p.m.
  4. H. Graber, T 1-2:30 a.m., Th 1-2:30 p.m.
  5. J. Walsh, T 1-2:30 p.m., Th 1-2:30 a.m.
  6. L. Hammer, occasionally TTh 1-2:30
  7. B. Ching, anytime but 1-2:30

543 How to Become a Superhero

 The first semester of this course covers origin myths and the like, starting with the simplest ways of becoming mighty (e.g., being a mutant or an alien), with a survey of the perils of simplicity (e.g., being chased by sentinels or hordes of angry peasants simply because you're alive). We will spend much of the semester on the more elaborate methods: getting warts from a radioactive toad; being taught the martial arts by the Infinitely Wide Guru; discovering the Mystic Ice-Axe of the Magus in a cave in Brooklyn; or being zapped by the cosmic mutant alien sorcerer-god Fladnag and his cyborg sidekick Snidgol. The last part of the semester will be spent on advanced techniques, such as building a costume with all sorts of super-weapons and mega-powers in it. Credit dependent upon successful completion of Para 544.
  1. P. "The Living Tribunal, Part I" Burchard

544 Life as a Superhero

 This course will teach those who passed Para 543 what it's really like. Topics include: sex and super-strength (how not to crush your inamorata); insurance for duels with super-villains; how to make heroism tax-deductible; air-traffic licenses-when you need them, when you don't, how to avoid filing flight plans; how to maintain a secret identity; how to survive the discovery of your secret identity; and how to pay for all that equipment.
  1. B. "The Living Tribunal, Part II" Ching

545 How to Stop Being a Superhero

 Open to a few select students from Para 544. This class will cover methods of losing one's powers. The easiest ways are covered first: death (temporary or permanent). These methods, although simple, are risky-many dead superheroes return to life with new and improved powers. Tactics of insulting readers (to inhibit resurrection) are covered. We will spend a small amount of time on more esoteric and more effective methods: gold kryptonite, radioactive anti-spiders (or anteaters), and storage of enchanted hammers in bank vaults.
  1. B. "The Living Tribunal, Part III" Bloom

552 Food Sculpture

 This class teaches the student the methodology and esthetics of food sculpture. Construction, training, care and feeding, and similar nice things will be covered. Meal card strongly recommended.
  1. K. "The Cook" Murphy and M. "Roomie Redbait" Cadwalader

565 Improbability Theory

 Advanced methods of warping reality to fix the odds in your favor. Topics include: loading the dice/deck; stings, scams, and fast-talk; telekinesis and clairvoyance; finite and infinite improbability generators; deals with the Fates, Timelords, scriptwriter, etc.; and using your godhood. Credit 3 units.
  1. B. "Acey-duecey again!" Paschke, TBA, Las Vegas

602 Curing the World's Ills

 A discussion of the schemes that the Great Thinkers of the Universe have created for curing the world's ills, starting with Plato's plan to make the entire world ideal and the Realm of Ideas worldly, Aristotle's plan to replace people with bison, and Socrates' plan to eliminate Plato and Aristotle. We will discuss the plans of the great modern thinkers: Nietzsche's attempts to revive democracy in Lapland, Swift's "Modest Proposal", Mussolini's struggle to revive free love in Australia, and Nijinsky's Thousand-Year Diet for Political Reality. Finally, we will devise even more ambitious plans and con the U.N. into implementing them. Victory will be near us!
  1. H. "3-foot-long Fangs Dripping with Poison" Brayman

7865 Staying Warm and Power

 This is a full and snug coverage of all the methods ever used to keep warm. All of them will be discussed. The simplest and least expensive (e.g., lying in a tub of hot oatmeal, spending nights in public buildings, dramatic cooking) will be demonstrated in class, while the more exotic (exercise, lecherous play, and blankets) are reserved for semester projects. This class will discuss the power-dynamics of warmth; how to gain power by offering freezing politicos, sorcerers, and warlords warmth in return for their eternal servitude; and how to reduce your power bills as you stay warm.
  1. S. "The Hot One" Orton
  2. C. "Warm Heart" Petit

805D German for Swans

 The content of this class is obvious. There is not that much that We could say about it that would make It any clearer, so We will not write anything at all about the Content. It's all in German anyway, so none of You could read it. There are tests given just before each migration, and an oral report on a book of major significance for Egyptian prehistory. We reserve three hours each week for verbal dissection sections, in small groups of 5-71 swans each. That's all.
  1. M. "Ach Ja!" Cadwalader

864 Choosing a Mate

 This is the most useful how-to class you can ever take. This is the most important class of your life. Even if you have never taken a class before or plan to take a class again, you must--yea, MUST--take this class! It is REE-quired! It is essential! God will get you if you do not take this class! Really, it's VERY VERY IMPORTANT AND VITALLY NECESSARY FOR LIFE AS A DECENT HUMAN BEING UPON THIS EARTH OF OURS! I can't emphasize this enough. (Wrong. You can. --Ed.) This class, to get down to the nitty gritty, tells you how to choose a first mate for any ship you happen to captain. What to look for. Is it better to have someone who can navigate if the navigator gets scragged by Her Majesty's Navy, or someone who can whip the galley slaves when the Spanish Armada is on your tail? We can tell you this! Does the mate need to have his own cutlass, or will a couple of marlinspikes and keels do? Is it more important for him to be trustworthy--a guy you can turn your back to when fighting three Roman triremes, or should he be strong enough to lift a barrel of rum when you're scuttling a Chinese junk? We know this, too! Remember: your choice of first mate can determine, within three standard deviations, whether you'll be rolling in doubloons and pieces of eleven up to your very good eye, or walking the plank off the coast of Krakatoa!
  1. D. "Redbeard" Schafer
  2. M. "The Skull and Crossbones Lady" Miller


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© 1990, 1992 L. N. Hammer, J. L. Simner, & the rest of the faculty.